I now accept Paypal for my spoken word albums and art!
I now accept Paypal for my spoken word albums and art!
I wish we could be together like this …. 👫
But alas, I know it could never be so I don’t even try to approach ….
😢 ♏💔♐ 😭
That is all.
So some of you may know, I have a Twitter account and a YouTube account under my username here, ‘astrosleuth’.
Basically places for me to express my pain through art and Tweeting about body image, love-shyness, sexuality (or lack thereof) and men’s rights/issues.
So, I’ve been Tweeting more to the point about these issues lately, to people like porn queen turned sexuality guru Nina Hartley and a self-described ‘ethical slut’ from Toronto. Here are some screenshots that warranted absolutely NO response, these self-described sex-positive ‘enlightened progressive sexual gurus’ won’t even go near this with a ten foot pole:
Now there is a podcast I follow on Twitter called ‘The Dildorks’. Two best female friends who call themselves ‘sex geeks’ and brag of their conquests of bedding the latest guy and getting the latest blow job. Constantly. Recently, they were calling out to their audience for show ideas in the form of questions like …. ‘What would you do if?, ‘If you were stranded on a desert island ….?’, etc.
So, I popped THESE questions. I even PM’d one chick of the pair and asked something like, ‘What would you do if someone expressed interest in joining your kinky community, but lacked experience? How would you go about it or which direction would you steer him or her in? I mean expressed genuine interest, read up on it, watch porn, etc. but lacked experience or courage to ‘take it to the next level’, so to speak?’
She just responded: ‘Thanks for this! I’m adding it to our file :)’
Then I PM’d her with another question, well two actually (both sides of the same coin) ….
‘Another question What would you do …. if someone was insecure about their own desirability, for instance? And, further, how would you help …. or would you help? (speaking generally, not necessarily for myself)’
‘Off the record, what’s your take on pity sex? Bad for both parties or sometimes could it lead to something? Or, do you believe such a concept exists in the context of the psyche? I guess attraction and what people look for in a mate’s desirability can be subjective ….’
I sent these last two questions on April 11, NO response yet. A dead air.
Now, exhibit #2.
I tweeted these three tweets recently, well about a week ago.
No responses. Even with the popular #hashtags , people don’t want to face this.
Exhibit #3 …. Nina Hartley. Same thing.
The word ‘incel’ is probably not even in her ‘awareness’. Or, maybe it is but like the others, she doesn’t give two shits. Sure, any other sexuality, they jump on it and are all over it. It’s often deemed ‘progressive’. But no sexuality at all, or a repressed or even aspiring one but ‘failure to launch’? Fagettaboutit!
Now 4A and 4B. Back to the proclaimed ‘sex-positive ethical progressive sex nerd slut’ from Toronto. Remember her? She posed a question on Twitter …. ‘Most outlandish flirting experiences’. So, I thought I’d ruffle the feathers a bit and bite. I posted those responses to her about a chick from Toronto who tried to sell me expensive hand cream once while I only had $12 in my pocket. This saleswoman said to me things like, ‘Oh, you are a handsome, interesting man. Why are you not married?’ and ‘If you purchase, I will give you my PERSONAL email and cell number!’ Now, I KNEW she was just trying to get me to buy her shit. But I decided to have some fun and play along when she remarked the first example again …. I just said, ‘You’re not so bad yourself!’ and walked away. I’ve always wanted to use that one and I did. I told ‘Girly Juice’ this basically in my tweets. No response. Perhaps, our experience is just so far off the norm or off right field that many non-cels, even so-called proclaimed ‘sex-positive’ ones just don’t know how to respond, are freaked out by our deep experiences or simply don’t care …. or perhaps possibly all of the above. An incel’s experience is probably SO far removed from the average non-cels that it’s incomprehensible.
Just some random Tweets I posted ….
You get my point.
I’ll leave you guys with one last story here for now. I’m also on Instagram and lots of model type chicks on there too. I admit, I follow some and a couple like my pics and follow me from time to time. Some of their pics also make good fapping material.
So, one of these chicks posted the ‘rules’ for etiquette at a swingers club.
One ‘rule’ caught my eye …. ‘Don’t be creepy or behave in a way that would make other members uncomfortable.’ My heart stopped. I commented on her photo something like, ‘So creepy just means unattractive, right? Well, some of us have bad posture or are below average in looks so often we are ‘creepy’ by default. Also, with my AS, I KNOW something in my demeanor puts women off, at least at first glance.’
No one even responded for a few hours. Then a few hours later, I go to look on her page and her account is fucking private! What are the odds?!
Most people don’t want to admit or face it. They don’t want to admit to or face up to the Truth. Looks and natural swag DO matter!
Now as you can see, no one wants to face it or touch this issue with a ten foot pole.
On a personal level, perhaps yes, it IS a ‘validation’ thing with me, one I (maybe wrongly) base my self-worth in. We ALL yearn at if not a primal level then an instinctual one to pro-create, to be wanted and pursued and to carry on the human race. To have that special knowledge we are ‘good enough’ to be wanted sexually. That we are not just a mirage. That we are indeed worthy of validation as social/sexual beings. I think perhaps also it is simply a survival thing too ….
Also, fuck it. Make them feel guilty, yes guilty and even ‘creeped out’ for the consequences of their own transgressions. At the base level, I think most KNOW the Truth they conceal and know their own hypocrisy in their claims.
Plus, I am a fan of and look up to some porn stars for their sexual prowess.
I want to be apart of something, to feel ‘whole’ and yes, sexy as a man.
I express a lot of my own pent up sexuality through my art and writing.
One member of a forum I frequent perhaps was right when he said he knows I have needs and that I am lonely. And perhaps he is right too when he said writing erotic poems and creating erotic art is not the healthiest way of dealing with it. Maybe it isn’t.
But alas, as an incel man, it’s all I got left.
So I recently started a new job.
Cleaning a shopping mall where there are a lot of young, Millenial store staff there.
Working there, although I love the job, has been hard in a way that most young social cliques are closed off there and one has a very hard time breaking the ice with these women, even some who are in their 30s.
Anyway, as I stated, I just started there. Even so, when I started I was getting a bit more hours, more than I am getting now.
I wondered about this and got thinking …. could some of those ‘Millenial staff’ have complained to my boss about me being ‘creepy’?
Now, I want to clear something up. By ‘creepy’, I mean just my demeanor (being introverted and below average in looks and my posture) NOT intentionally staring or gaping at them (which I DON’T DO I keep my nose to the grindstone there).
So, I phoned my boss and just had about a ten minute conversation with him. We get along great and are on good speaking and joking terms.
And, lo and behold!
We exchange pleasantries like ‘How are you tonight?’, etc.
Then I pop the question …. ‘Are my hours cut because some of the women complained there about my so-called ‘creepiness?’
He says well, he has had one issue there already with one chick at the dollar store. He said she didn’t approach him herself but he had heard from sources she was concerned about why I was always at her store when she was closing it. This would be around approximately 8:30 or 9:00 on weeknights.
This also happens when I start to dry mop sweep the whole mall in preparation for the midnight guy, who uses the wash machine on the floors overnight. Her hallway (where Dollarama is) is the hallway I start my dry sweep with. Hello? Why am I always there …. ? Well, I follow a schedule and I WORK THERE!
My boss just said ‘oh, she didn’t know you worked in the mall!’
Now my hunch was right and my boss wasn’t directly approached but he had ‘heard this from sources’.
Now I know the translation of that …. ‘Ugly guy shouldn’t be near me when I close my store …. eww! …. he’s creeping me out! Get him outta here!’
As for her ‘not knowing I worked in the mall’, I do have a uniform on and usually a broom and sometimes a dust pan in my hands. How could she NOT fucking know?! Oh, I just bought the broom (and dust pan) at Wal-Mart and happen to be pushing it through the mall to test it. /sarcasm
She hasn’t approached him so far but this is my point. When it comes to modern unapproachable (and often spoiled and entitled) women, always go with your gut instinct. I keep my nose to the grindstone there now and just keep my mouth shut and do my work now. I don’t even approach to make conversation, hell, let them approach me!
Those myths about ‘false rape allegations’ and them calling the white knight authorities are all true, apparently.
My boss said not to worry about it or give it a second thought but I believe my hunch was/is right, even though I don’t try to be ‘creepy’, I’m just pre-selected that way and it’s something natural in my demeanor which I can’t control due to my physical attributes and my AS.
Modern women are unattainable and unapproachable for the most post unless you are a) their age b) pass the looks test c) in their own social clique and d) ALL OF THE ABOVE!
There, I’m on the record for saying it!
You are ‘guilty until proven innocent’.
My boss also said she may be a typical women, a drama queen who likes to say everyone is staring at her but is the first one to call it out when they do. Keep in mind, she doesn’t know me or even a thing about me except for this possible (and false) assumption. It can be just like high school there. The so-called ‘high school’ mentality doesn’t die at 17 or 18 …. it lasts well into adulthood now in a social that secretly (or sometimes more overtly) wants your average incel to just ‘fuck off and die’. FTR, he even said that some women find him ‘creepy’ there and he is a stand up, great guy …. married with a couple little kids.
My gut was correct. Always go with yours to avoid further heartache and trouble with modern Western women ….
I can merely tell certain things by going with my gut and watching female behavior and reactions. Their social patterns and habits.
And then they say YOU are the psycho, the ‘creep’.
I have to laugh at the advice one Feminist once gave me, to ‘step out my front door and start making friends …. especially FEMALE friends.’
They have to give you the time of day first for that to happen, or even possibly happen.
So her advice was moot.
I just shut up and do my work there now.
A little song I wrote a few nights ago, at work of all places. Before I called my boss up tonight and asked him the question ….
I wrote the lyrics and sing, while the instrumental piece is from an open source site, freesound.org.
(A banjo and acoustic loop piece)
Thank the stars for programs like Audacity and VideoPad too!
Just thought it would be appropriate to share here. Enjoy, gents!
A woman can truly either be a source of ultimate elation and ecstasy for a man; or a constant source of pain and heartache for him.
So I watched the pornographer Erika Lust’s film ‘The Good Girl’.
She is a (feminist) pornographer based in Barcelona.
The movie begins with two women on the phone. It’s about a ‘shy, boring’ girl who always listens to her female friend’s sexual escapades on the phone while going on no sexual adventures herself. She always orders herself pizza but the pizza guys usually aren’t fuckable material …. until one day she decides to get off the phone with her friend and orders yet another pizza, only to be delivered by a hunk (you know, tall, dark and ripped and handsome). A classic play on the old ‘pizza turned porno’ movie cliche lol. Her sexual friend calls her ‘boring’ for just wanting to order pizza, by the way.
Firstly, it confirms eerily what Steve Hoca has been saying all along about pizza delivery drivers …. that usually they are not the most attractive. I know, I used to be one myself. They are usually not the most attractive and even are a few rungs below on the general social hierarchy. Myself included. Also, the hunky ‘pizza man’. If he was that good looking, he surely would NOT be delivering pizzas. He would be working his way up the ladder in some corporate job (like a bank) somewhere probably fucking (and chucking) his secretaries or mistresses on the side. Or, at the very least, a topless waiter or Chippendale’s dancer. Men with his looks simply DON’T deliver pizzas. I should know. The movie confirmed some naked truths (pun intended) about our society (that pizza men are generally low tier, unattractive guys and people who don’t have sex are ‘boring’) but at the same time, wasn’t that realistic.
I downloaded this flick off a torrent site. While I’m generally a fan of porn, especially script laden feature porn, this one rubbed me the wrong way. And this woman (Erika Lust) called herself a feminst, quality pornographer. But hey, maybe that’s why she used the storyline and narrative she did. Feminists after all HATE low tier, unattractive, ‘boring’ straight men who aren’t possibly having sex.
This movie once again was made in Spain, by the way. Supposed land of the European ‘beautiful people’.
…. of porn stars. You know how they are aware of their sexy bodies and sexual prowess? You know how most look a certain way, truly winning the physical genetic lottery? Well, I’m aware of my LACK of sexual prowess and unsexy body. My first male porn star I saw in a blue movie and my crush fall into this category.
I simply don’t have the ‘right look’ to attract women.
Shy and unattractive = awkward and ‘boring’
Shy and attractive= quiet and mysterious
I DO believe there is a correlation here. People (especially women) like to be around beauty. The whole ‘feel good’ factor and ‘gina tingle then comes with it naturally.
And lo and behold, I wake up to this article being posted on a forum I frequent …. The real truth being spoken at last by a woman, I believe. Ugly, creepy guys! Ah hah! http://theplacetorant.com/ugly-creepy-guys/ …
I’ve always said:
Good looking 25 yo guy hits on a girl at the bar and succeeds = stud
Ugly looking 25 yo guy hits on a girl at the bar and fails = creepy ‘loser’
Same actions, same intentions possibly but labelled differently due to their
place in the genetic lottery.
Also, it proves the theory that the advice …. ‘Oh, you just have to go out more!’ is fucking moot.
You have to be ACCEPTED first. People (especially women) have to WANT you there, want you out; lest you’re just the lonely ugly ‘creeper’ standing in the corner. Awkward much?
The it’s a cycle that perpetuates itself….incel then retreats into his shell….now, of he MUST be ‘boring’ and more quiet and ‘less exciting’ now that he doesn’t engage or go out. It’s a vicious cycle. This is why I believe ugliness and being ‘boring’ to women go hand in hand, somewhat.
In other news ….
I currently still have an account open at the bank my crush works at.
And, I currently owe service charges.
Well, fuck ’em. I’m not even stepping foot in the bank anymore. I’m not paying (if I have my way). They can close the accounts and blacklist me from their bank, for all I care.
Women don’t want ugly men around them? OK fine. I won’t be in to pay my fucking service charges.
Only time I’ll be in is to pay the car loan (which I still have with them) itself, and at a different branch in my city than the one she works at (there’s two).
Women see us as ‘creepy’? OK fine. I’ve been avoiding her bank so she should have nothing to worry about, right? Lest I go in and she puts a ‘sexual harassment charge’ on an ugly guy like me. Men are ‘predators’, remember ….
I have free banking from another institution now and that’s fine by me.
I attended a meeting yesterday, at my local March of Dimes. Basically it was men with developmental disabilities trying to find work. The topic at hand was stress – more specifically, stress in the workplace and how it relates to our disabilities. A lot of covered on how to cope and time management. Also, stresses in life like fights with family members were discussed. Two topics I thought of but weren’t discussed were:
1. Thinking about crushes who are unattainable (while working too)
2. Parents (or caregivers) dying off
Limerence can cause stress in and of itself and can take your mind away from tasks. I’ve had this happen at jobs before. Wouldn’t a man have more drive to achieve anything if he had sex in his life at least? There’s an old adage, ‘He just had his car repossessed and his dog died, oh but he’s in love!’
Also, another topic not discussed too much is parents (or caregivers) dying off. One guy at the meeting has a parent in her seventies now and they are preparing him for the job market and getting work on his own. He’s lived at home all his life and is now in his 40s or 50s. It’s a sad thing to ponder. My own parents are starting their 60s. As an incel, Aspie man, sure they help me out financially. But, what about the emotional guidance part of it. Let’s face it, when you’re on the bottom rung of society, no one cares about you really. Another topic not touched in regards to incels or TFLers is we all get old. With no one to possibly take care of us in our advanced age, social services will be burdened for sure.
Oh we could maybe get with used up women who’ve had all their fun and now want to settle down when in their 40s. But personally, that doesn’t really appeal to me. Why didn’t she want me in her 20s?
A couple things to ponder.
Thought I’d do something a bit special on my own for this Valentine’s Day (rather than just buy a box of chocolates and eat it myself lol). To get some things off of my chest. I’m now officially making zines. One declaring my positive feelings toward a girl, the other declaring my rage to another .. one love poem, one poison pen letter! Yin and yang people!
Two zines for
#ValentinesDay .. one with affection the other with rage …. I couldn’t wait for the special day, I was too restless last night after having an in depth conversation with someone at a coffeehouse about the state of modern dating.
First zine for closure on Valentine’s Day .. to a woman who gave me a nasty look back in 2009. Crush #1 ….
Second zine for closure on this special day. To a crush who treated me nice but I know it can never be ….
Happy Valentine’s Day! (well, if you have someone to celebrate with)
I woke up in a sweat earlier this morning, as they say.
Lately, I’ve been going through a bad bout of oneitis. Like, really bad. I have a thing for this teller at my local bank who I know is out of my league. To top it off, around Christmas, I ran out of meds (unemployed right now, don’t have a health plan). All I did basically was eat, sleep and cry. The great YouTuber Steve Hoca said it best when he said, ‘A woman’s sexuality is a man’s greatest pain!’. Ain’t that the truth. Her sexuality can cause a shy man great pain (and misery if unrequited). It all started when I took out my severance pay back in August. She went out of her way to make sure the money was safe in envelopes, and that I wouldn’t lose it. That turned me on. Motherly caring or nurturing is a big turn on for me….perhaps it is a carry over from my own well-meaning but over-protective mother. I’ve seen this girl a couple times since then and it seems she always gives me a deep look of sympathy. Now we know pity doesn’t equate to wanting to bang you. But she always gives me that look. Maybe by some way, she’s aware I had feeling for her and doesn’t want to hurt my feelings.
So I have a vivid dream last night. Here goes:
I was at work and saw police cruisers and wondered why they were there. Later in the day, a policeman calls me off the floor. I’m thinking, well maybe I didn’t put a new 2017 renewal sticker on my license plate; but it’s something else. The policeman informs me I’ve caused a bit of an accident. News to me. I’ve hit a woman or caused her to his a Coke truck or something like that. You know, those big red ones refrigerator built in, with the white Coca-Cola logo on the side. He then escorts me to the office where she is sitting. But, there’s something definitely ‘different’ about this woman. We get to the office and I notice she’s slightly disabled and disfigured, even. Her hand and head are somewhat enlarged. Then the policeman asks me, ‘So you know why you’re here?’ I am dumbfounded, I say ‘No.’ The woman extends her hand out to me, I shake it; wondering if whatever she has is contagious. It urns out she had been involved in a car accident. I found out too, she wanted possibly to sue me for the insurance money lost (something like $5,000 and change). I was scared then, no way I could possibly accommodate her request. Not that I was heartless, but I simply just did not have that kind of money, even to pay back on installments. She then gets up to vomit into a bucket a couple times, conveniently situated beside her chair. It’s obvious her ‘sickness’ has something to do with her disability. The police officer with me then proceeds to sign some papers; I see big dollar amounts on them, in the thousands. He gives them to her to look at all the while, her smartphone is ringing and beeping off the hook. What is going on? I am still nervous but at the same time I feel bad for this woman and think to myself a person like her could make me think and possibly have an impact on my life. But – realistically, there was no way I could help her or accommodate her at the time. But oddly, I still think she has already impacted my life and has definitely been a nice break from the chicks I usually bang and spend time with (ya, I’m a big playa in my dream lol). I also strangely didn’t know I hit her and have no memory of the apparent event earlier in the day. The policeman suggests we go and speak to her now. First, he makes me bow to her. Then I give her an explanation …. ‘I’m sorry. Hope you get well. I do feel bad but simply don’t have the money to help you. All I can offer is my sympathy and good graces. Hope you understand.’ With that, she kindly accepts my explanation and hopes for the best. With that, she says her insurance and her family and friends may chip in after all but she will let me know. The policeman and I leave. He is a very nice guy, understanding. Now the weird thing is I didn’t even know I had caused the accident. I didn’t even have prior knowledge of it taking place. Also, I thought she was disabled from birth and could still drive a car, obviously. He said no. She was disabled from the accident but feeling better, an expected recovery.
With that, I woke up. It was so vivid. Now, it is open to interpretation. The ‘disabled woman’ could have played the part of me in real, physical life and I was simply viewing reality from my crushes perspective. At least this is what I took from it. Others may have different interpretations, as I alone am not dreams expert. I took this from it just from my own ‘inner voice’ and from an intuitive perspective. Perhaps my crush DOES indeed feel bad, but reality, or at least this one, doesn’t permit a romantic or sexual union between us. I do lean towards the spiritual side of things also and believe dreams can certainly provide clues and signals to your everyday, waking life. This being no exception. This dream may just be presenting the natural laws of nature to me too. This dream may be telling me that while she may be aware I’m in distress, there’s nothing she can do but wish me well and perhaps be a friend to me, nothing more. This dream may be signalling me to ‘look inward’ at resources I have yet to tap. To work on relations with those closest to me that I already have relations with, instead of chasing a dream that will never come to fruition. Sympathy was present in the dream, but sympathy doesn’t make the wider world go around, at least in the realm of relationships and it surely won’t get you legitimately laid….unless it’s the odd ‘pity fuck’. I wouldn’t mind an old fashioned ‘freebie’ hand out, but I hear they end badly often for both parties involved usually. It’s sort of like when one ‘dies’ on the operating table and goes to the ‘next realm’ and sees things in perspective. This is what this dream perhaps was for me. I WISHED I could do something to help, but simply couldn’t. Perhaps some things just aren’t meant to be in the natural order of things. I still feel the pain being perpetually incel brings though. When I woke up, I still felt the pain but had an understanding. Well, I understood intellectually before but now from an emotional, spiritual perspective. Still my own emotional pain still aches at me in THIS physical reality. The physical reality of a 37 year old incel I have to live in day to day here, at least until I expire.
I will leave you with a song I wrote about and for her, called simply ‘Paige’, her name:
Just stumbled upon this article when I woke up this morning ….
A sex writer has told how being promiscuous made her ‘more forgiving’ as she explained why she identifies as a ‘s**t’.
You see, social promiscuity is acceptable now under the guise of being a ‘sex-positive slut’. Hell, I consider myself to be ‘sex-positive’ too if we are to relate to the term this way, but unfortunately it’s ignored. I’m sure a lot of men like myself feel this way. If you are female and a ‘slut’, you are liberated. Incels are still demonized, even though a lot of us may want to participate in the sexual (hell, and even social community). I have nothing against sexuality from a moralistic stand point, if I had youth and looks and ‘swag’ (or whatever the fuck they call it nowadays) on my side, I’d be into hooking up too. But, you see, the other side has to accept you first. It has to be 50/50.
As a result her relationships have become ‘more harmonious’ and less judgmental, Kate said.
After she rejects most men for the top brass, probably. Of course relations are going to be more harmonious if you are attracted. Still judgmental for the incel, though.
I like to think I have qualities such as patience and coping with rejection but no one is giving me a medal or writing about me in the Daily Mail. No girl would still give me the time of day and I consider myself to have at least some of the qualities listed in the article already intact. I’m sure a lot of my brothers on the forum I frequent do too. I love and accept others, or as I like to phrase it, ‘live and let live’. And, like I say, I have nothing morally against it. I masturbate and have been to strip clubs myself. Fine.
Here’s where the issue lies. Sure, I have these qualities but in the sexual (and some say even social) realm they are rejected and repressed. That’s the thing with so-called ‘free love’ and progressiveness, still very cliquey and still very selective. Why is this?
I believe because at the end of the day, we are all still human. We can’t quench our biology and control who we ultimately are attracted to. More specifically, I’ll just say it here –
I’M BELOW AVERAGE LOOKING!
That’s it! Oh, and maybe my Aspergers too. In the DSR realm, being a hetero man with below average looks and maybe a slight case of Aspergers is a ‘no-go’ for a lot of women. I would like to join the ‘sex positive’ community’ too one day but people find me repulsive. Ever notice too when these stories come out, that disabled, straight hetero men almost are never mentioned or have no representation?
‘When you invite someone into your bed, you’re also inviting them into the shadowy parts of your brain and heart,’ she added.
I’ve showed women the ‘shadowy parts of my brain and heart’ before….only to be called ‘creepy’ or outright rejected.
I’ll tell you, women like her will NEVER be forgiving towards you if she knows you’re an incel or simply is not attracted to you.
She said people she knows who identify with the term are ’emotionally intelligent, intuitive individuals with tons of love to give.’
I have ‘tons of love to give’ too, or at least did in my early 20s. But years of rejection, heartache and loneliness have made me jaded.
When I see articles like these, part of me pains. Deeply. It’s a glimpse into a world I know I’ll never be a part of. If anyone is going to be on the receiving end of judgments, it would be myself in a community like this. How could it not be really? An incel’s reality is so far removed from the lifestyle that’s written about in this article. Even my body looks different from the norm. It is truly a curse to be born with a sex drive and appreciation for beauty when you are not socially savvy or in the top looks wise yourself.
Good morning and have a nice day! Happy Monday!
Like, an angsty word sandwhich.
Sex is natural, beautiful and very naughty, if you do it right.
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