When a full-blown oneitis (or limerence) phase enters your mind. Does your depression, anxiety and extreme self-consciousness magnify in general everyday life?
I ask this because it does in me. I currently have my eyes on a girl who works at my local coffeehouse. Have been for a month or so now. For some reason, I can’t even bring myself to go into the coffeehouse and face her and her co-workers due to self-consciousness. I think direct contact may be all too threatening. I have an image of her saying ‘Hey, how are ya?’ in my mind and I run with that. But, it is twofold. She obviously thinks some positive thoughts of me (or else she feels sorry for me and is patronizing depending on perspective). I’m just afraid I’ll go back in and ‘freeze up’ and leave a bad impression, bad taste in her mouth somehow.
Extreme self-consciousness and brooding kicking in.
I was sort of on a ‘roll’. Doing better at my job. Talking more to people just to get out and for practice (especially girls). Not giving a shit of what society (or the people in it) thought. Then this happens. Now, I’ve fallen in ‘lust’ again and I am paying with losing my self-containment. I sometimes have fantasies of the ‘ideal romantic night’ with her. Cooking a nice, hot, juicy roast beef dinner with mashed potatoes and gravy and Yorkshire. Lights dimmed low, chocolates on the table as an aphrodisiac and prelude to hot love making till dawn then falling asleep in each others arms after we smoke a fattie together. Hot meal for her and a blow job for me, ultimate fantasy. Only fantasy, I know, unlikely to happen in this reality, in this day and age.
I saw her outside of the coffeehouse once. Another bomb…she was with a guy. At the Sushi place where I ran into her a couple weeks ago, she was with a guy much better-looking than yours truly. Probably her boyfriend. I have to fight this. Idealized love like my fantasy above doesn’t exist in the real world, especially for guys like me. I have to beat it and get back to cynicism. Back to reality.
Just thought I’d spill the beans here. In my dealings with every other person, I falter, back to my shy, self-conscious 18 year old self, picturing her in the room judging me.
I’ve been in a bit of a hell over this the last couple weeks at least. I know it’s not rational, not healthy. It’s healthy to have normal fantasies about an object of desire, but not into obsession, especially if she has a significant other.
With oneitis, it’s like her ‘perfections’ magnify and your inadequacies intensify because your self-esteem is rock bottom and she (at the time) represents everything ‘divine’ about a woman. ‘She’s exciting, I’m boring, she’s pretty, I’m ugly, she’s well-liked, I’m friendless’ and the list goes on.
astrosleuththepoet 